- Walt Disney
Last night, Helena had a meltdown.
This in and of itself really isn't news. Helena, like many children on the autism spectrum, has frequent meltdowns. What's interesting is why she had the meltdown - she wanted a glass of water, and wanted us to get it for her because she was eating. We asked her to serve herself, and that started a good old fashioned, yelling, screaming, crying, foot stomping meltdown, which ended with Helena accusing us of never wanting to serve her anymore and uttering that she will never drink water ever again.
In fact, she ended up NOT drinking water - she had apple juice. But she served herself, which is what we wanted her to do.
Earlier this week Kristina Chew at Change.org talked about how her son Charlie, who is close in age to Helena, speaks few words, yet he does communicate in many different ways. Helena, by contrast, is highly verbal, with an excellent vocabulary. But her words often don't tell the real story, and we have to often search for what she is really trying to say.
Sometimes it's obvious. When Helena starts talking about what her favorite stuffed animal, Princess Johnson the Webkinz Persian cat, is thinking, it's easy to figure out that Helena is just using the stuffed animal to communicate her thoughts (for example, "Princess Johnson doesn't like being home alone" is Helena's way of saying that she is tired of the car trip and wants to go home.).
Other times, it's not as easy to figure out. Stimming is something done by many children on the autism spectrum, whether it's arm flapping or stretching one's fingers to the side or, as Helena does now, twirling your hair. One the surface, these look like annoying habits, but in reality the child may be saying that they are overstimulated, or not happy, or frustrated, and they either need to be redirected or otherwise removed from the situation. Same thing when Helena complains of a headache - we are never sure if she really has one or not, because she has often used this as an excuse to remove herself from an unpleasant situation.
The episode last night with the glass of water definitely falls into the latter category. It wasn't an isolated episode, but another display of one particular thought and fear in her mind -
Helena doesn't want to grow up.
At 10 years old, so many things are changing with Helena right now. Her schoolwork is more challenging and time consuming. Her baby teeth are almost all gone, being replaced by her "adult" permanent teeth. And her body is starting to change physically as well. In other words, she is starting to grow out of the childhood phase of her life, and Helena does not want to do that.
Her resistance to these changes is quite subtle. While her 8-year old brother and 7-year old sister have graduated to drinking from actual glass cups, Helena insists on using the plastic "children's" cups, like her 3-year old sister. While her middle two siblings have moved away from watching the "baby" shows on TV, Helena still watches them, and gets angry when you try to change the channel or turn the TV off. And last night was another example - having to pour your own drink at mealtime when your parents normally do that for you is a sign in her mind that you are outgrowing childhood, hence the meltdown.
If there is one thing that fatherhood has taught me, it's that even though we all grow up and have to assume the responsibilities of making a living, maintaining a home, and caring and providing for our families, we never can, as Walt Disney laments, forget the child we were, the child that still lives in all of us. My children have taught me to bring that child out again, whether we swing on swings, or play catch, or lay on the grass watching the clouds go by, and naming the shapes we see. Or watching our troubles float away in a blown bubble, to be popped out of existence somewhere downwind.
As Helena grows, that childhood she is so afraid of losing will always be there, ready to come out and play once more. The challenge is to communicate that to her in a way she will understand.
A challenge indeed.
